Why I Can't Have Nice Kings Read online

  We exited the receiving area into the dining room. This room had an excessively long table made of a glimmering polished wood with a full complement of chairs—probably around thirty—as well as a few humble paintings. From such a large room, I expected more. Hammurabi was known as an extravagant host and a wealthy man, so this whole house was very out of place. You’d think they would have spent more money on furnishing the place, instead of on the city outside, since we were likely to spend more time inside than out.

  Hammurabi gave me a wicked grin. “The less accurate information people have about you, the better. I find it best for people to think that I’m not well-off financially.”

  From the door opposite us, a tall, slender woman in her forties emerged. Her long, shimmering dark hair complemented her glowing gray robe perfectly. This had to be Hammurabi’s wife, Teragonna, and she was even more stunning in person than I had pictured her in my imagination.

  “Rabi, you old scoundrel, what trouble have you gotten our family into this time?” she said.

  Hammurabi grinned and embraced her. “Nothing they’ll ever catch me for.”

  “And who are these gentlemen?”

  “The shorter one is Mopansin Trantinviavax III, more commonly known as Geoff. He manages Lord Hartin’s finances and organizes his many tournaments.”

  “A pleasure, my lady.” Geoff kissed her hand. “Your elegance is only outdone by your magnificent decorating touch. Why, this entire home is but an extension of your style and splendor.”

  For what was probably the first time since I’d met him, I was terribly jealous of Geoff. I would have to outdo him with my famous sexy eyebrow waggle.

  “Why is your nickname Geoff, instead of something closer to your name?” Teragonna said.

  I stuck both of my hands over Geoff’s mouth. “It’s his middle name.” That explanation had been ridiculous enough the first time. I didn’t want to have to go through it again.

  “And this is Harry Olson, a scribe,” Hammurabi said.

  “Nice to meet you,” I said, trying not to stare at her too creepily. I’m happy to say I was getting better at it, as she didn’t seem put off at all by my staring.

  Is it wrong to fall in love with a character that you created? OK, I guess it is, especially when that character is married. Although . . . I don’t think it’s wrong to fall in love with the actress who plays the character. I didn’t care that she was at least ten years older than I; beautiful is beautiful. I’d have to get her number from the director. He owed me after putting me through this absurdity.

  “Weren’t you the one Axin and Weel did unspeakable things to?” she said.

  “No, that was someone else.”

  “Could you show them to some guest rooms, Gonna, while I settle in?” Hammurabi asked.

  “Certainly. If you two will follow me —”

  As we turned to go our separate ways, we could hear a commotion from the main entrance. It seemed like whoever was out there wanted to sell some magazine subscriptions, and the servant didn’t want any. All I could make out was the word “Stop!” before the door that led to the entrance area opened. A couple of guards and a purple-robed gentleman with a powder blue sash entered the dining room. These guests were not invited; the weapons and commotion were a dead giveaway.

  The robed fellow gave us the kind of look you often see on televangelists right before they ask for a donation. “Hammurabi, I am pleased that you have returned to our grandiose and exalted metropolis. It gives me no gratification to inform you that you are to accompany us to the Meriton.”

  Hammurabi scowled. “Artenarix, you snake-jackass hybrid. What is the meaning of this? You have no authority to demand anything of me, or anyone else, for that matter.”

  “Oh, but I most indubitably do. Your mentor, the Grand Meritus himself, presented the order.” Artenarix turned to his guards. “If he resists, do not hesitate in the slightest to abuse him.”

  I should probably point out that in my books, Artenarix is Hammurabi’s greatest rival. He loves showing off his ridiculous vocabulary, and I hear he’s a lot of fun at parties.

  How could they do this to Hammurabi? Sure, the actor was making some rather odd choices with his character, but he was one of my major characters. Someone should do something . . . someone who had more of a stake in this than I. Teragonna was too stunned to react. Geoff looked like he was about to interject, but, not wanting to look even more cowardly than he did in front of her, I jumped in.

  “Halt!” I’d always wanted to say that to armed guards.

  “And who are you, you plump, pale pumpkin of a personage?” Artenarix said.

  “First off, that was an impressive combination of ‘p’ words. You didn’t stumble at all.” The others all turned to each other and nodded in appreciation of his accomplishment. “And as to who I am, I’m an expert on Atlian Law. I demand to know what charges Hammurabi is accused of, besides making people wet themselves when he looks at them. Other people who are not me.”

  “Why, there is an inquiry into his possible involvement in gambling. I assembled the evidence myself. A person in such a lofty position as his should know better. I am absolutely confident that the implications alone will be enough to have you removed from your position.” Artenarix radiated a combination of self-satisfaction and malice. I was hoping he might pull something congratulating himself.

  “Gambling is not illegal in the Garandian Empire,” Geoff said.

  “Illegal, no,” Artenarix said, “but it is the pinnacle of immorality to Atlians. Your political career will likely be over, Hammurabi, and I can assure you that the process will be lengthy and humiliating. Now, guards, if you will.”

  “Why are there armed guards if it’s not illegal?” I asked.

  “True, the constables are for show. I do love pageantry, and this grand parade to the Meriton will be quite triumphant. Perhaps my greatest exploit to this point, however, I am certain there will be a great multitude of such forthcoming.”

  I pushed in front of Geoff. “Wait. There’s procedure to follow.” It helped that I had actually written the Atlian moral and legal codes. “Hammurabi is allowed to confront his accuser before being brought before the House Tribunal.” I could almost see myself smirking.

  “Very well. I am his accuser. So, confront me, Hammurabi.”

  “Why did you do this, Artenarix?” Hammurabi asked.

  “Because I loathe you. There, confrontation over. Now that the procedure is complete, let us finish this charade and depart.”

  “Wait. What evidence do you have?” I said. “You couldn’t possibly have seen him gambling with us on the ship.” Have I mentioned that I say stupid things when beautiful women are present?

  Artenarix’s eyes lit up. “I was actually unaware of that event. As you are, therefore, a material witness, new fellow, your presence before the House Tribunal will be requested shortly. Do not leave the municipality. Now, if your stalling is concluded and you do not know anything that will further incriminate the ‘Illustrious’ Hammurabi Joudisz, let us depart, constables.”

  Hammurabi turned as he was being ushered out. “Teragonna, you know what to do.”

  A Quest for My Package

  As they escorted Hammurabi out, Teragonna nodded to his back. “Garandia will never be the same without you, but, fortunately, you left two heroes behind to take your place. Come upstairs, gentlemen. I have a proposal for you.”

  I looked around for someone besides Geoff and myself in the room, but no one else was there. I was obviously one of the heroes she had mentioned. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t even count myself as a hero, but this was my world, and, clearly, I was the protagonist. Geoff could not possibly be the second. I mean, he lost fights with butterflies and strong winds. And I, of all people, frightened him! Going up the steps, he tripped no less than five times. The only way he got up there was by me carrying him. Clearly, she’d been counting me twice.

  After we’d entered what had to be the stu
dy, Teragonna shut the door behind us. As much as I hated this ridiculous parody of my world, I couldn’t help but stare at Teragonna. Her strong, calm voice made me hang on to every word she said. She had that kind of presence that made me want to do everything I could to impress her. Fortunately, with Geoff there as a comparison, impressing her wouldn’t likely be too hard. I reached down and put my hand on his shoulder to show her how much taller I was.

  Teragonna fought back tears as she spoke. “I wasn’t expecting to have to tell you both this so soon, but Artenarix has forced our hand. I had hoped to get to know you both a bit before presenting you with such a task, but I will have to trust Rabi’s judgment. He is rarely ever wrong, but I would feel better if I knew either of you even a little.”

  Geoff looked like he was about to speak (the way he pretty much always looked), but I kicked him in the shin lightly to prevent the likely stream of nonsense. As he bent over halfway to stem the very minor bit of pain I had inflicted on him, I stood on tiptoe to give her a better look at the far superior hero.

  “Whatever the quest, I accept, fair lady. Your two heroes are here.” I flexed both of my arms and very kindly tripped Geoff with my foot. He fell behind me to very considerately give her an unobstructed view of my heroic left arm, Baby Dragon Slayer, and my dashing right arm, Not in the Friend Zone Anymore.

  Relief flooded her face. “Don’t you want to hear what the task is, first?”

  “I do have quite a few questions,” Geoff probably said. (I was too caught up with my two friends to notice.) “For instance, why wasn’t Hammurabi going to deliver the package himself? And if it’s so important, why would he trust it to two people he only met yesterday?”

  She nodded slowly. “The numerous enemies of Garandia are on the lookout for this package, and they know Hammurabi has it, so he couldn’t give it to a known associate. He told me in his last letter that he would find two honorable and trustworthy men, and, most important, not known friends of his. Two travelers who have never been to our city before are not likely to draw a connection to him.”

  “But I’m Artenarix’s star witness. I’m not supposed to leave the city.” I said that mostly because it had the word “star” in it, and I had never been called a star anything before. I puffed my chest up to show her how big of a star I really was.

  “His extra attention does complicate things a bit. But you need not worry about being needed as a witness; Hammurabi is going to admit his wrongdoings to the Tribunal. So, please don’t worry about your mistake. We forgive you, Harry.”

  “To save his family from dishonor. Of course.” I hoped she was impressed enough by my immense knowledge of Atlian law to overcome that little slip-up, though with Geoff there as a comparison, I had little need to. He began to rise, so I nudged him a little.

  She winced as Geoff tumbled back down. “As for cover, we already have that taken care of. You two, or, rather, two men dressed exactly like you, were seen being thrown out of this house in an angry exchange with Hammurabi’s brother, Ragitsiom.”

  “Where could you possibly find two men who look like us in this city?” Geoff said.

  “It was fairly simple. We just found two white guys and slapped a beard on the tall one.”

  “That doesn’t sound like a very convincing disguise,” I said.

  “You all look alike. No one will notice.”

  My chest deflated a little. Geoff leaned on me for support, and I held him up. I figured I’d more than proven my point, and Teragonna nodded in approval. I was starting to get the hang of this whole hero thing.

  “But Hammurabi only met us by chance,” Geoff said. “How could he possibly know that two people who were strangers to him and had just happened to board the same boat as himself could be exactly the two modest but spectacular heroes he was looking for?”

  I’d like to put it on record that I thought of that question first, but I didn’t ask because this whole thing was ridiculous. Plus, Geoff really did need the morale boost.

  “A very astute question, Geoff.” Teragonna patted him on the head. “Hammurabi had a vision, and his vision told him he would find the brave individuals he was looking for on his journey home.”

  I’d also like to point out that I had thought of this answer first too, but I was distracted by an intensely shiny light. And, no, I don’t know where it came from, nor do I know how it was possible that something so bright appeared out of nowhere and then disappeared. Trust me: there was a shiny light, and it momentarily distracted me. I swear I’m not making this up.

  “If you are convinced it will work,” Geoff said, “I see no reason not to take the package, especially for such an illustrious individual as Hammurabi. It never hurts to have impressive connections. So, I am also in.”

  She turned around and opened a chest. “Splendid. As thanks, I’d like give you both one final token of gratitude. These are two swords that belonged to Hammurabi’s grandfather, the famed Admiral Kilorabi.”

  I swung my sword around to show her I knew what I was doing. Those two lessons had really paid off. No one lost a toe this time, either. It had served that guy right for wearing sandals to sword practice, though I’m still not sure where the ostrich came from. Shockingly, Geoff was also fairly adept with the blade, but I doubted he would be quite so impressive if he’d had an angry ostrich and an equally angry nine-toed man screeching at him.

  “Splendid,” Teragonna said. “It appears Rabi’s intuition was right again.”

  I blew in Geoff’s direction out of the corner of my mouth in the hope of knocking him over again, but it didn’t work. Perhaps it was because I was too winded from my swordsmanship demonstration. I wasn’t too concerned, as I knew I’d nail the evening wear portion of the competition.

  Clearly, she must have predicted that, as she handed me—and not Geoff—an object in a dark red velvet bag. It probably helped that Geoff was unlikely to be able to carry the thing, as it weighed a hefty five pounds. I peeked inside the bag but only found an elaborately decorated wooden box.

  “The contents of the box are for the king’s eyes only,” Teragonna said. “You are to deliver this to the king himself. The fate of Garandia is on your shoulders, gentlemen. Do not worry too much, though. The guides you are to meet are some of the finest in the land. I only wish Hammurabi was here to see you off. He didn’t expect Artenarix to move quite so fast.”

  “He expected to be arrested?” I said. “I mean, I expect that all the time, for . . . protecting the innocents from the evil sheriff of Nottingham, but Hammurabi usually has a clever way of wiggling out of trouble.”

  The actress was truly amazing. She didn’t even wince at my obvious Earth reference. Geoff didn’t either, but after the mockery he had made of my fictitious religion, I was past giving him credit for anything.

  “Not this time. That’s why he came back home. He was hoping for a few days to say goodbye to his family before he was detained, but Artenarix was as quick as the snake he’s often compared to.”

  “Why does he gamble when he knows how immoral that is to your people?” Geoff asked.

  “He has been holding Garandia together since he became our representative fifteen years ago. Berin is a terrible king. He spends lavishly, with little thought for how to pay for everything. It has become Hammurabi’s job to somehow find the money. In order to deal with the stress, Hammurabi started gambling and drinking.”

  I probably don’t need to tell you that none of that was even remotely accurate. I mean, kings don’t get called “the Great” for being awful. Sure, writers do (when they give up the television rights in their contracts), but not kings. I would normally have been pissed, but the actress had delivered the line with such panache.

  She moved to the bookcase on the wall to my far-right and pulled out a series of books one at a time. A staircase emerged from behind the spinning bookcase. As the bookcase slid into the adjacent wall, I swore I could see a small lens breeze by. If I had blinked, I would have missed what I assumed was a
camera. They would probably need to remove it in editing.

  “Down these stairs, you will find a series of tunnels. They only lead in two directions. The right side leads to the docks, which are being watched thoroughly, but you are to take the left, which leads outside the city walls. Your companions will be waiting for you.”

  “Couldn’t these people just deliver the package themselves?” I didn’t really care about their silly quest. I was trying anything I could think of to prolong my time with her.

  “These three are mercenaries, very good ones and highly dependable, but still mercenaries at heart. We do not fully trust people whose major motivation is coin. Hammurabi thought it best to put his faith in you two gentlemen. He has a good eye for honorable and trustworthy people.”

  I winked and pointed my best feature—my forehead—toward her. “I will fulfill your epic quest, milady."

  She said goodbye and kissed us each on the cheek. My kiss lasted at least a second longer.

  As she leaned back, I whispered, “Perhaps, when this is all over, we could grab a drink. I am a rich author, after all.” (I’m not, which is why I charge fifty dollars for an autograph, by the way, but she likely didn’t know that.)

  I must have been spoken louder than I’d thought, as Geoff responded instead. “That would be splendid, Harrold. Quite the rousing way to celebrate our victory in this coming quest.”

  She pointed toward the stairs while giving me the dirty look that my therapist had informed me meant a woman wasn’t interested, and not “Keep trying, even if I slap you. I might eventually break down and go out with you.” I was definitely getting out of this place as soon as I could. Impressing fictional female characters is a lot harder than it looks.

  Of Fangs and Bikinis